I noticed recently a pattern of only writing about the things that are
challenging or things that have brought challenges that conclude with
some kind of inner shift, or growth.
This came to light when my partner and I booked our ferry ticket for our
two month trip to Portugal and in his excitement he said he wanted to
post the news on Facebook…….I felt joyous that he would want to
do this – it wasn’t just the trip that he’d be celebrating, it
would be us, our togetherness, it would be a public announcement of
sorts. In the celebratory context I saw that I was not going to do
the same. Through a rapid unpacking session of the subconscious I
soon saw that there was a resistance to expressing joy publicly –
specifically, in the written form. It makes it seem concrete, fixed.
And it’s not. I also saw that there’s a sense in me that what
goes up must come down.
I haven’t wanted to put myself in the vulnerable position of
announcing my joy of something, particularly if it has meaning for me
(like an intimate relationship), in case the situation changes, ie, I
get rejected, or worse yet, I change my feelings about the situation
to the extent that I no longer wish to be in it. Within the vulnerability in that case, there might also be the potential for shame, or guilt.
My vulnerability of publicly stating joy stems from a deep-rooted fear,
or expectation, that things will ‘go wrong’. The habitual phrase in my head says, ‘I don’t trust life
enough’. That statement alone suggests that on a subconscious level I
don’t know what trust means. To really trust is not about putting
trust in someone or something so
that they behave in the way you would like them to, or that the
situation will go the way you want it to. It’s about trusting
no-thing, and no-one. Let me be clear that this is not a negative
response coming from a place of despair and disillusionment. On the
contrary, it is a completely honest, authentic suggestion arising out
of inner reflection and a sense of freedom. There’s relief in there.
To put trust in no-thing, or no-one is to simply be with the
awareness that there is only really the inevitable unfolding of the
Mystery, and that means, anything can happen, and everyone and
everything are subject to change, and that appears to be the truth of
things. In this seeing of truth we can potentially see where to
place the trust. We can let ourselves and each other off the hook.
We don’t have to hold each other or even ourselves accountable to
anything. I’m talking here about the bigger picture, the larger
outcome of scenarios playing themselves out, the stories unfolding. I
am not talking about the day-to-day human-to-human relating – in
these cases, we can hold ourselves accountable to kindness and
integrity since, I would suggest, they are the bedrock of any human
relationship. It is through the intention of kindness and integrity
that changes can come about, even the ones we cannot imagine. So, as
far as trust goes, we can only really trust that life will bring us
precisely what we need as and when
we need it and that it may not be comfortable, indeed, it may be ever
so challenging. Are we able to trust that?
More importantly, am I able to trust that enough to just celebrate
something, anything in a public, written way, like making a
declaration, without getting hung up on the outcome? Can I be ok with
celebrating life itself with all it’s twisting, turning habits,
trusting that life will bring precisely what is needed in the spirit
of change that it is so exquisitely accustomed to……?